It feels like it has been a long time since we last talked. I mean I know You are always talking to me but sometimes I am not in a position to hear You. And I know I always try to talk to You but I somehow always become distracted. I know I have been saying that I would spend time in prayer with You more often for most of my life but please give me a mind to. Please give me supernatural wisdom, knowledge, truth, and understanding so that I will desperately pray at Your feet each time I get a chance. You have shown me how wonderful and magnificent Your presence is, so why do I seek that fulfillment in everything but intimate time with You? Foolish of me, I know but I thank You for being patient with me. I really want to keep the intimacy we share and furthermore, I am ready to enhance that intimacy but there are a few problems, can we address the biggest? See God, I am sure that You already know this but there are some breaches in my spiritual wall that needs to be filled as I continue to do work for the Kingdom. This struggle with the spirit of rejection has to go. These past few weeks have been hard and these past few days have been even harder. Just when I thought my little heart was being fixed, it has started to feel like it is shattering into pieces again. I don’t want to find comfort in past sinful habits and I don’t want try coping with this rejection by being rebellious like I have in the past. Why does this have to hurt so badly God? Why am I always reminded, almost like I am being teased? Does the whole world know that I am suffering from rejection? It sure does feel like it sometimes. You know, the very comments that make me feel rejected are the same comments that chase me down the most. You must be trying to heal me. Things can’t be like this for the rest of my life, I mean, You came to give me life not misery. Oh, and God, why am I being ridiculed for preaching the Gospel? Yea, I know they persecuted Jesus but sheesh, I just want to preach Your message. The comments of being lame, a weirdo, and crazy are kind of starting to hurt now. And the people I was once friends with who no longer speak to me after speaking Your truth, yea, their mocking kind of hurts too. I suppose this is making me stronger but I sure have cried a lot these past few weeks. Does that make me weak? Of course not, I almost forgot that Jesus wept. Please watch over my parents and my siblings God, biological and in-Christ alike. I miss them so much. I know they miss me too but remind them that You only need me in Europe for a little while. Please keep them in Your hand from all hurt, harm and danger. Also God, please help the rest of my family find salvation. Please save those who need to be saved and keep those who need to be kept. I sometimes become so consumed with feelings of rejection. Trying to be mindful that I can’t possibly forget of all of the love You have given me. I haven’t forgotten the nights I spent at Your feet laughing, crying, and just venting. Remember the time when I was stretched out on the floor begging for You to take all of my burdens and in the midst of it all I jumped up singing songs of praise? It felt like You had a golden pitcher full of honey, which came straight from Heaven as You poured each ounce of honey into my empty heart. The chambers of my heart were so cold and vacant that I almost didn’t know how to react when the warmth of the honey thawed out the frozen muscles surrounding my aorta. Remember when my heart began to beat during its broken stages? Yea, I will never forget that day either. I didn’t know hurt could go that deep but more importantly, I didn’t know that Your healing could go even deeper. See, during moments like these I have to reflect on my quiet times with You and seek to make more. I didn’t even ask You for the love shared between Calev and I but You must have been making love matches in Heaven and for that I thank you. Just when I thought that You weren’t doing anything you reminded me that You are always doing something. I want to know You more God. You are the most amazing, interesting, and divine being that I have ever encountered. Some question if You are real but I no longer question, I just thank You for being real. You are the only realistic truth that extends beyond the falsehood of fantasy. You are really amazing and today I had a moment when I wanted to rush home and talk with You. You are such a great listener but You are an even better speaker. You know, I am so glad that You aren’t selfish. I don’t always hold up my end of the deal with things but I become inspired when I see You always prompt and ready for our dates. You’ve never let me down. What did I do to deserve all of this love? Wait, really? Nothing? The world doesn’t work like that God. Is someone paying You under the table? Right, Right, You are a righteous and upright God and You are love in every sense of the word. How could I forget that I love You because You first loved me? But you also said that those who love You will keep Your commandments. Please help me keep that in mind when I am tempted to do something sexually immoral, listen to secular music, break laws, and be mischievous. Help my love for You to outshine my flesh’s love to sin. Well, I guess this is all for now God. I simply wanted to write You this letter because this is one of the best ways that I know how to express myself. My sin is enough for You not to read it but the redemption I receive from the blood of Christ is another reason for You to read it, so thanks again. Can you give me a new heart God? Can you give me the faith to heal the sick and the courage to cast demons out of the captive? Yea, I believe in miracles God. Honestly, I think that You are about to do some of Your best work yet. Can you use me? I know I complain a lot and I am working on that but I really do want to fight in Your army God. I can see us now, the body of Christ punching Satan from the left as You follow up and knock him out from the right. You have such a sense of humor, why didn’t I know that before? Yea, probably because I wasn’t taking the time to talk to You. You know everything about me, even the number of hairs on my head, why don’t I know what You said in the second chapter, third verse in the book of Matthew?? Thanks for the conviction Holy Spirit, You’re right, I
should must spend more time in the Word of God. His Word is what renews my soul and spirit and even body is You ask me. I want to tell You that I love You God, although I should say it more. Will you forgive me for being inconsistent in prayer, shaky in my faith, and lukewarm in my committment? I am getting better I know but I want to get the best, not just better, if that makes sense. Well, Your thoughts are as the Heavens are higher than the earth so I am sure You get my point none-the-less. Give me a mind to change God. Please search me and see if there be some wicked way in me. No more shattered faith. No more fearful nights. No more scattered days. No more doubtful evenings. No more lonely winters. No more sin filled summers. Just me and You, growing as each day is sweeter than the last.
As I write this letter I renounce all authority I have given spirits of rejection, anger, hatred, fear, sexual immorality, alcoholism, smoking, destruction, doubt, and selfishness. You know the rest but thanks for at least letting me know these ones. I pray to become even closer to You. I pray to be set free from bondage through You. I pray to serve You with every fiber of my being.
Hey God, I yearn to meet with You in the secret place, forever.